i don't want to be used to discomfort anymore
i am tired.
i used to be used to this tho, like, before i moved out of my mom's home. the constant tension, alertness and feelings of being dismissed were my norm. i didn't even realize it was like that, until i moved out to a place where it wasn't. realizing i didn't have to live like that was a lengthy process.
yet every time i go back to visit her, i regress. i accept the discomfort as a given- it's just the way it is. she loves me, and she also wants me at her beck and call. and she wants to monitor my food. and she will wake me up early to talk about curtains. and she will not listen to me when i talk, and this is normal.
but lately i've been having difficulties coping with this discomfort. i'm not able to stand it as quietly and for as long as before. i've lost my resistance, my thick skin has been filed away by my otherwise peaceful existence, and i cannot take it anymore. neither do i want to.
today, someone else - someone external to my circle, not a friend - made me feel pretty terrible with the dismissive way they interact with me. i was supposed to go out with them and someone else to hang out for the day. but i dipped out, because i don't want to be the version of me that has to put up with things that make them sad for no reason other than keeping the peace.
i don't think i need to confront this person or do anything about it. they may continue being who they are and doing what they do, and what i feel about it doesn't have to change them. but i can change myself. i can remove myself from here. i can reject this from my life.
and so can you.