how to go outside (thoughtpiece)
no.
the light wounds your eyes, and the sound pierces your ears. there are people bumping into you and brushing against you, and dogs that pass by you that haven't done anything but maybe they could. there are smells everywhere. nothing is within your control. the cars don't stop for you.
what is even out there that you could possibly want? it all costs money and demands so much attention from you, and even if you could maintain that attention, even if you could force yourself to function normally, at the end of the day it'll all crash down on you and you'll be exhausted for a whole business day.do you really have to?
is there no other way? delivery, or a videocall, or literally any way to avoid this?pack your bag.
you will need earplugs and noise cancelling headphones, one or the other, sometimes both at the same time. you need sunglasses to block out the glare of light against passing cars, and the movement of the world around you. you will also need something to keep your hands busy so your body can do the processing your brain can't; some yarn and a crochet hook will do the trick.pick your clothes.
your most comfortable shoes are the only pair you really wear. pick either the light colored cargo jeans or the loose corduroy pants, and don't delude yourself into thinking you can stand wearing a skirt today - you can feel the waistband too much. pick a hoodie, too. or a hat. anything that can block out your peripheral vision, because for some reason you can't stop noticing things there. a smartwatch helps control your music without having to stop to use the phone.
lastly, pick a funny pair of socks. this is the one thing you have true control over, provided the socks don't bite into your skin.prepare.
your headphones have to be on with music already playing, and your hood can be down, but at the ready. your shoelaces can't be too tight. spend a little while adjusting them. your backpack straps also need adjustment every time so they're just right. don't forget to revisit the plan you made in your head: where you're going, what you're doing, how long you're staying, how fast can you make it back.why are you like this. weren't you normal in university? remember there's a huge chunk of the population who doesn't have to do this. your mom doesn't have to do this. she's outside a lot. your dad too, and he's autistic, like you. so is your brother and he goes out all. the. time. what's wrong with you? maybe you're just being lazy and this convoluted list of tasks is fake, and the way that you react to your senses is fake, and you're faking it all. because you want people to go outside for you so you can stay home and do nothing all day, because you are lazy. maybe you're not even autistic. have you thought of that?
go outside.
this is the hard part. sometimes i get through every step and turn back right at here. but once a week, i do it so i can go to my favorite tea shop. it's 20 minutes away by walking. this is what i have to do to take a 20 minute walk, or an 8 minute walk, or sometimes to just cross to the next street over.
i couldn't manage to go to the tea shop this past week. i just kinda wanted to get this off my head.